tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 20, 2014 1:35am-2:07am PST
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thai so much. welcome to the report, heroes. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. it's good to have you with us. always a pleasure. always a joy. ( cheers ) folks, you know, if you watch this show, you know that i love coming to you every night of the week, monday through thursday. ( laughter ) but broadcasting legend isn't my most important job. i'm also a dad. that i know of. ( laughter ) that's why i have the right to judge today's over-involved helicopter parents. if you're that neurotic about your kid's safety, why did you give them a helicopter in the first place? ( laughter ) they have created-- these parents have create aid generation of scaredy kids who
quiver at the slightest armed invasion. >> now to florida tonight where parentparents are outraged after police entered a middle school without warning with what looked like guns drawn. but what they found out next has many angry tonight. it was a drill. >> police with ar-15 rifles like this one, burst into classrooms. children and teachers believed they were really under attack. >> students, some texting their parents for help, they were terrified. >> stephen: typical teen-- can't even stop texting at gunpoint. ( laughter ) for pete's sake! we've got visitors! put the phone down and crap your pants. ( laughter ) manners. look, i know these drills can be upsetting, but they serve a vital purpose. cops get training responding to school emergencies, and in the event of a real tragedy, the kids will be glad they had all those practice nightmares. ( laughter ) besides, school officials had good reason to give these kids
p.s.s.d.-- or pretend traumatic stress disorder. jim? >> police say the drills are always held without advance warning because that's the only way that they can evaluate a school's response. >> school officials insist the element of surprise is important, noting, unfortunately, no one gets an advanced notice of real-life emergencies. >> >> stephen: it's true. there is no advance notice in a real-life emergency. which is why i never warn my staff about our fire drills. i don't even warn myself. i leave a pile of oily rags next to the furnace, and i wait for the drill to start when it's ready. ( laughter ) we're-- we're actually on our fifth studio here. that's why the show is ending. i can't get insurance. ( laughter ) anyway, nation, i have long been a proponent of small government. as thomas jefer son said, that government is best which governs least, which means our congress is headed towards perfection. ( cheers and applause ).
>> stephen: good job, congress. we love you, congress. of course, america has a proud history of patriots standing up against government overreach. where would we be if our founding fathers hadn't wriz risen up geens the tyranny of king gorge? technically, we'd still be right here. that's how geography works. but we'd all be wearing absurd wigs instead of just donald trump. tonight, folks, i am proud to profile the latest group of heros who are attempting to get big government an over-reacharound weapon jim. >> america is under siege. >> our government is a tyranny and it's out of control, and it must be stopped. >> it really is government over-reach, government gone amok. >> this big brother has dpoant a lot creepier than george orwell thought it would ever get. >> tyranny is on the rise. but these brave patriots are fighting back.
they are difference makers. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> in the heart of new hampshire lies the small town of keene, a pretty place, where the iron fist of authority has run amok. but help is on the way. meet the three keene squad. james cleveland-- a.k.a.-- >> i think it's fair to say that i'm the mastermind. >> "the mastermind." gator ian. >> i would identify myself as american. >> the afro-kid. chris cantwell. >> there is a 38-caliber revolver and, carry it on my hip. >> the enforcer. the three keene squad has a
clear plan to free the people of keene. tell them, mastermind. >> free keene isn't necessarily about freeing people per se. it's-- ( laughter ) >> a powerful vision for a better tomorrow. we confronted jackbooted city councilor rapidy fillio for a response. >> free keene claims they're freeing keene from something. most of us that have lived here most of our lives really haven't figured that part out yet. and quite honestly, i don't think they've really figured it out yet. if they ever do figure it out, i wish they'd give us a call. >> ring-ring, randy. you better get the phone because they figured it out. >> parking meters. >> you heard him right, parking meters. >> if we're going to have a government, i mean, i feel like that they should do a-- kind of the basics. they should defend life, liberty, and property. and i really don't see how issuing parking tickets meets any of those goals. >> so free keene sprang into
action by running ahead of meter maids and putting coins in the meters before they expire. they call it "robin hooding." they've been filming themselves doing it for years. and they have posted hundreds of clips on the web, some of which have gotten multiple views. >> i feel like i'm a super hero. i'm out there doing good for the community. >> which has the tyrannical city government shaking in their boots. >> probably the most controversial issue wasn't them plugging a meter. quite honestly, none of us cared. what we cared about was they were following around the meter attendant and harassing them. >> they're not harassing. they're annoying for liberty. >> hey, why are you going that way? we're going to follow you wherever you go. >> you take money from people by force. why do you behave this we? i don't think that's an appropriate thing to do. >> i would like to you stop following me around. >> nobody likes what you do. it's a crappy position to be in,
in your life. >> go back in your truck and drive away. >> i'm doing my job. >> it doesn't look like it. >> this may look like the free keene squad are being total dicks to innocent meter maids, but if that were true, why doesn't anyone stop them? >> i find when i carry a gun, people are very unlikely to hit me. you can say almost what you want entirely to public officials. you can't threaten to kill them, because that's-- that's, like, coercion. that's extortion. that's an initiation of force. >> i believe they really like what we're doing. >>, of course, being new englanders, the people of keene are reserved in their displays of affection. >> why are you harassing her? >> get that away from me right now! >> get out of my face. >> stop harassing people who are working. >> you're nothing but a freeloading hobo. >> you're an idiot. >> oh,. >> and the way you treat people shows me you're an idiot. >> that's right. that's what wriewr going to do is walk away. >> no, you don't even worry-- ( bleep ). >> obviously, there are people that don't like what we're
doing, and i'm fine with that. i think it's, like-- to me, it's like a balance. life is like the yin-yang. i feel lime ooik the yin, i'm the white part, i'm the good part. >> my name is allen giveitz, i was a police officer in the u.s. army reserves. i was in iraq and kuwait about 15 months. >> and this veteran need a job. >> i see an ad for the city of keene for parking enforcement. and i kind of chuckled at first, and i said, yeah, okay, i'm going to be a male meter maid. you sort of feel like you're kind of an animal in a cage, really. >> watch what you're doing. you're running into people. >> no, i'm not. >> you're not going to get a break the entire day. this is never going to stop. >> it was hell. being called a thief. being called a liar. that sort stung a little. but it didn't sting as much as, you know, being called a coward. definitely didn't hurt as bad as being called a racist because of my veteran status. i was told that i condone the
droang of brown babies because i'm a veteran. that stung. >> okay, granted, these guys are a-holes, but they're a-holes for freedom. you're a veteran. i'm sure you can handle it. i mean, it's not worse than iraq. >> what was worse, serving in iraq or being a meter maid in keene? ( laughter ) boy. it's really a tough question. ( laughte.laugh. >> spoiler alert-- it's keene because after a year of abuse, freedom won? that can't be right. is that a typo. >> freedom can be messy. freedom is not perfect. there are bad things that can happen when you give people freedom. i'm not going to deny that. >> you cannot be free from an idea so there can be no freedom from free keene for people who just live here. >> they helped me me from my
job. that's for sure. >> so for fighting for their constitutional rights to be total ( bleep ) iyou're not going to get a break the entire day. this is never going to stop. never going to stop. >> the free keene squad are tonight's difference makers. and just to be clear, are huge diewsdouchebags. >> stephen: we'll be right back. what would you give someone who convinced you to follow your dreams with one cross country roadtrip? the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments... is to give those moments back. dewar's. the most awarded blended scotch in history. warm up to winter with a white chocolate delight from mccafe.
hey slick, it's me! i'm a darwinist, brother, alright? some prosper... enjoy the picture, everyone! ...and some struggle. (music) (tires screech) (grunt) i thought you said you wasn't gonna hit me. (music) we had a deal! we had paperwork! une. deux. trois. my daddy was not nice to me! (traffic sounds) (gun clicks) life is just one long mystery. boom! grand theft auto five out now on playstation 4. rated m for mature. playstation
to us, it means giving you a wide selection of products. the best advice. the best service. and an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. welcome back, everybody. folks,. ♪ it's the holiday season so whoopidee-doo. ♪ and dickery dock and we only have nine more days to shop ♪ until black friday's. wh we're ready to shop. i don't want to brag, but i'm a
great shopper. that bouncer at walmart waves me right in. thank you for your service, lyle. of course, black friday's officially begins with the first strasm ling at the running of the doorbusters. you really can't blame them. that helicopter was $5. ( laughter ) and each year, black friday's gets a little bit blaerk and a little less friday's. >> retailers are stumbling over each other to announce just how early they're going to be opening on the holiday this year. just this morning, j.c j.c. peny announcing it will open at 5:00 p.m. macies, kohls and serious will be open at 6:00 p.m. on thanksgiving day. one retailer takes the cake-- k-mart opening at 6:00 a.m. on thanksgiving morning. >> retail experts call it the "christmas creep," that sense
that the holidays are coming earlier and earlier. >> stephen: yes, the christmas creep, not to be confused with the mall santa who wants you to sit on his lap just a little bit longer. folks, some retail grirches want to destroy this holiday by letting their employees have a holiday. >> costco announced all of its 468 stores will be closed on thanksgiving. >> costco take a stand and really buck the trend here, saying their workers deserve a holiday, declaring thanksgiving is for families, and the workers should have that opportunity. >> radio shack, hobby lobby. >> bed bath & beyond. >> game stop is joining costco, closing up shop on thanksgiving this year. >> stephen: what! what! on thanksgiving? all of my favorite stores are closing? and radio shack? ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) i mean, no-- no radio shack? now where am i going to get my
three-pronged turkey-to-yam adaptor. i am take a stand right now. they cannot do this to my black friday's. iit is a cherished post-thanksgiving tradition that goes all the way back to the original thanksgiving when the pilgrims knocked the indians to the ground so they could be the first to get to the discount buckle hats. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) choose nexium twenty-foureople hour for frequent heartburn. i'd always wanted the protection of the purple pill® now, i have it. get nexium level protection ™ and for a limited time save six dollars at nexium24hr.com
the best advice. the best service. and an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy. as strongbow hard] acider, better.. but strongbow over ice is the best. enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. ♪ strongbow, world's number one hard cider .
everybody. my guest tonight has won the nobel prize and the presidential freedom medal. please welcome toni morrison. ( cheers and applause ) miss morrison, thank you so much for being here. a pleasure to see you. toni morrison, how are you? >> i'm fine. i'm fine. >> stephen: it's a pleasure. pleasure. >> i'm very happy to be here. >> stephen: i'm very happy to have you. >> can i read your questions? ( applause ). >> stephen: would you like to read my questions? >> yes. >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) >> "you've won the pulitzer and nobel prize in literature." >> stephen: not yet, but i hope to. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's a good point. you have won the pulitzer prize and the nobel prize in literature. that is like the rock 'n' roll hall of fame of books.
( cheers and applause ). let's go through some of the books you have written. "the bluest eye." "beloved." "song of solomon," "sula," among others. what is the weight you feel, or is there any weight, any burden being a nobel prize winner in literature? you know, that's-- that's hemingway. that's doris lessing, that's you. do you feel worthy? ( laughter ) >> i know that my books are worthy. which is separate from me. ( cheers and applause ). and that's-- that's the part that i really relish, that part. no, i-- actually, i read "beloved" a couple of weeks ago. >> stephen: your own book. you read your own book. >> i read my book. >> stephen: had you read it after you wrote it? >> no.
unless i read it publicly. but i read it a couple of weeks ago. >> stephen: and? >> it's really good. ( laughter ) >> stephen: brava. that is great. i'm eye huge fan of my work, too. were you surprised how good your book was? >> at that time, i mean, it's been years-- what, 80s or something? when was that book published? >> stephen: i don't know. i've never read anything you've written. ( laughter ). >> i think it was in the 80s. but someone sent me a copy and said would i autograph it and i was looking for a page and i happened to open it up at the beginning of the book. and i looked down, and there were these sentence, these incredible, beautiful, lyric, straight and powerful sentences. so i just kept reading. it had been a long, long time. >> stephen: was there any point in reading your own point
that you thought i would have done something differently. i really shanked that sentence. would you traevment to do a rewrite at all? >> there are books i think i could coa little bit over. the first book i wrote is one of the books where i think i made a fairly substantial mistake in not doing justice to one of the characters. it was a character i didn't like. it was a kind of -- >> stephen: well, that will do it. ( laughter ) and i never paid her close attention. >> stephen: you have said you don't necessarily like to be pigeonholed as an african american writer. what would you like me to pigeonhole you as? because i have to categorize everybody. do you want to be, you know, pigeonholed as a korean pop star? how should i see you as a category? if you don't want to be an african american writer, how should i think of you? >> as an american writer. >> stephen: as an american writer. ( cheers and applause ). you think i'm-- i don't-- i-- i
don't see race. okay. i've-- i've evolved beyond racism, all right. i don't see race. i don't even see my own. people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i haven't read any of your books. ( laughter ) can i, as a white man, understand the african american experience? >> you have to know something about racism. >> stephen: but then, wouldn't i be a racist if i thought about racism? >> perhaps, but more important than that is there is no such thing as race. none. >> stephen: really? >> that's just the human race, scientifically, anthropologically, racism is a construct, a social construct. and it has benefits. it has money-- money can be made off of it. and people who don't like themselveses can feel better because of it. it can describe certain kind of behavior that are wrong or
misleading. so it has a social function, racism. but race can only be defined as a human being. >> stephen: another so. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen:... has said reading your book "the song of solomon" taught him how to be. >> he did say that. >> stephen: if you taught him how to be, are you partially to blame for obamacare? would you like to apologize to anybody? >> i take full responsibility for obamacare. ( cheers and applause ). >> toni-care. >> stephen: that's very nice. >> very good. >> stephen: you didn't write your first novel until you were 39, correct? >> that's right. >> stephen: is your entire literary career a midlife crisis? ( laughter ). >>un, that's a good name for it. actually. >> stephen: a midlife crisis? >> yeah, some kind of crisis
where you just up and change. you know, i thought everything in the world that i wanted to read had been written. and then in my 30s, i wanted something else. i wanted to show how painful this constructed, horrible racism was on the most vulnerable people in society-- girls, black girls, poor girls-- and that it really and truly could hurt you. so that's what i was looking for and no one, i thought, had written that book. so since i really wanted to read it, i thought i should write it. >> stephen: and 25 years later, you got to read it, and you said that's damn good. ( laughter ) ( applause ) toni morrison, thank you for joining me. toni morrison. ( cheers and applause ). a host of books.
we'll be right back. i gooh no.one. fitting the tree through the door, that's feast-worthy. so celebrate with the kfc festive feast. a bucket of the world's best chicken, our famous sides, biscuits and our new pumpkin cake. the kfc festive feast, perfect for all those holidays between the holidays. i read most of the book.. having a baby isn't gonna be that hard. you didn't read the book. i read some of the book. 's alproper nutrition...red. keeping the romance alive. level 7! and setting a good example. daddy's trying. we are so ready for this. life can surprise you. so can an allstate agent.
and an unbeatable price with our price match guarantee. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody, good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org test. >> it's 11:59. and 59 seconds this happened on reddit there is scientific research proving dogs are among the most ma guess particular intelligence infewive animals in existence. for example watch as these dogs are in